Where has time gone?

It's been a really really long time since I've posted anything on this blog. It actually took me a really long time just to find it! Good grief!

A lot has happened...a lot...

My mom passed away on December 5th, 2014. As I type that it still doesn't seem real. Saying it...typing it...I just can't wrap my brain around it. It happened so fast. I got the call on December 4th. It was a Thursday and my kids were both at school. I had a dentist appointment that day for a cleaning and then I decided to get my nails done, talk about the best day ever! Then I went to HEB over in Westlake and was really enjoying my day to myself (I don't seem to do this enough). I was in my car on the way home when my phone rang. I saw "Robert Mom" and didn't think too much of it because my mom would sometimes call from his phone. When I heard his voice on the other end I knew, I knew something was wrong. I don't know why, but I just did. He told me that she was in the hospital for her appendix and that the doctor told him to call me. He was extremely vague and was certain that my mom was just fine, but that I should know she was there. Now, part of me REALLY wanted to believe him, but I knew better for some reason. I called Alex as soon as I hung up and lost it, i seriously shouldn't have been driving because I couldn't see the road. He thankfully talked me down and tried to reassure me that everything was just fine and I was able to make it home through blurry eyes.

I was supposed to just sit back and wait for Robert to call me with an update. UM, no. I am THE most impatient person on the planet and there was no way I was just waiting for someone to call me, so I called the hospital and they directed me to ICU. Wait...WHAT? I didn't know she was in ICU, Robert failed to mention that part, but I also didn't know that my whole world was about to come crashing down. The nurse I spoke with told me that I needed to come as soon as possible and to call all of our family members. I don't remember much else. I hit the driveway and started to scream and cry not caring who saw or heard me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't think clearly.  I called Alex and he thankfully came right home. I remember waiting on the stairs as he pulled his car into the driveway, I couldn't move or talk. I went into panic mode. I got on the phone with Jet Blue and had a plane ticket that would get me there around 6:30pm. That poor attendant on the other end of the phone.

I finally got in touch with Adrienne (my litter sister) at the Airport and that didn't go well. I remember being in a daze the whole time. My brain felt like mush. I was so anxious to get there and see my mom and waiting, sitting, doing nothing didn't feel right. I wanted to hold her hand. Be next to her and know that all was going to be ok. Everything would be ok, right?!

The flight took forever - an eternity. Alex's little brother, Jeff, picked me up and was late due to horrible traffic. We got to sit in that lovely traffic for a few hours, again, with the sitting and waiting!! It was a nightmare. I was so anxious to get to the hospital! We pulled up to the front and I saw Robert with his brother and sister by his truck. I am thankful to have had them by my side because I didn't know what I was walking into....

The moment I made it into her room...my heart ached, literally. She was in so much pain. Her back was giving her a hard time and she couldn't get comfortable. She was tied down to the bed with a tube down her throat to help her breathe. It was such a horrible sight to see. One that I wish would leave my mind. I'm not sure why I am doing this to myself....writing this out...maybe I think it will help a little? Help heal in a way?

She wasn't very coherent. She knew I was there as I told her I talked to Adrienne and she mouthed "thank you." She tried to talk a lot, but couldn't because of that damn tube. I wish I could have heard her one last time. We had spoken on the phone Wednesday night about how worried she was about my little sister when one of our phones cut out and neither of us called each other back. I just figured I would call her the next day once I had some news about Adrienne...why didn't I just call her back and tell her I love her one last time?

The following day and a half seemed to be a bit of a fog. I spent as much time as I could next to her bed. I didn't know I only had less than a day left with her here. Had I known, I would have never left. I would have stayed by her side the entire time talking to her. I was afraid to talk because I didn't want to disturb her. Getting her comfortable was the main concern, but, had I known...I would have talked. Just told her how much she meant to me. I never got the chance...

That evening (Thursday), Robert and his family went home. No one really knew that this was it, so they went home to try and get some rest. I was left alone which was rather difficult. My uncle Jack (my dads oldest brother) came to visit at some point during the day which was very sweet. We sat with my mom and caught up. I think my mom knew he was there, but she was out of it thanks to the pain medication.

My sweet friend from high school came and visited for a long time that evening. We sat in the waiting room and chatted for a long time which I am externally grateful for. At some point the nurse came in and told me she wasn't sure my mom was going to make it through the night. I didn't like that nurse much. I know they have to shoot it to us straight, but she was just a bitch. Callused, if you will, likely coming from the nature of her job. I called Robert and told them they should come back. Once they got there we all sat and cried...visited...cried and did what we could to come to terms that my mom wasn't doing well.

I was able to get a few hours of sleep on the couch in the main lobby. I wouldn't quite call it a couch, but rather a hard and tiny little chair. I managed though because I was EXHAUSTED! The 17 cups of coffee weren't helping anymore.

My mom made it through the night. This was amazing news. She was FIGHTING. Boy, was she ever. I honestly thought that she had a good chance...maybe she would walk away from this. At this point we knew that her appendix was almost two times the size it should have been. It leaked, which gave her septic shock. Her body was having a hard time fighting the infection because of the treatments they were giving her for her back. She was what they called, "immune deficit." BUT...she was fighting!! My mom was the STRONGEST woman I've ever met and I wasn't the only person that would say that. She was a fighter. Always had been. She could beat this.

Around 8am, Friday morning, we got the news...it wasn't just appendicitis. It was cancer. There was a large growth attached to the top of her appendix which they had it tested and it was cancer. CANCER!? Are you kidding me? WHY?????????????????????? I remember calling Robert to come back to the hospital because I had news. When I saw him round the corner, I fell to the floor, my legs felt like jello. I knew this was it. I knew this was the end....

I remember sitting with my mom that day and I noticed that she wasn't producing any urine. That was a horrible sign because it meant that she was in renal failure. She was nearing the end. I didn't know what the end was going to look like. Would her heart just stop? How do I know? They had a really hard time getting blood from her. She has no veins...no pumping blood. They seriously sat there and stuck the crap out of her attempting to get blood to test the levels of the infection, but their faces were grim. They knew it was close, but no one said anything. They kept trying to get me to sign a form saying they won't resuscitate if she passes. Um, me? Why is this put into MY hands?! I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. They asked and asked and I just kept putting them off thinking MAYBE we had more time. MAYBE she would get through this. I mean, people survive septic shock and renal failure. It's been done, I know because I sat on Google and researched the heck out of it. Knowing how much of a fighter my mom was, I knew that she STILL HAD A DAMN CHANCE!

At one point during the day Robert and I were standing over her when she woke up. Her eyes were glazed over and I knew she couldn't really see me. I've never seen her look like that before. She was really puffy because all of the fluids they had to give her and since her kidneys weren't flushing anything out, well, she puffed up. Robert has asked if anyone told her what was going on? I'll never forget the look on her face as she shook her head no. We asked her if she wanted to know and she nodded with her eyes really wide, like...c'mon! When we told her it was cancer I saw the fight leave, right there, right that very moment. She hit the bed and was extremely upset and I'm pretty sure she mouthed the word, "fuck!" She was done....

An hour and a half later we were standing at the end of her bed together. Looking at my sweet mom laying there was horrible. To pass the time while in the hospital, I had kept an eye on all her vital signs. Something I did with my dad as well. Her heart rate was rather high the whole time I was there, which sent an alarm to the nurses station quite often. I remember looking up and seeing her HR under 100! It was 99 for the first time since she has been here. I was thinking this was a great sign. Maybe she was relaxing a little bit and would be able to rest better and fight off this damn infection. In that same second I had that thought, I looked back up and it was 88. Then I looked out the door and they were getting the crash cart..."just a precaution..." they said. All I could say was "oh shit." I knew. In that next second everyone came running in and it dropped to 66....the nurse was asking if she should call it? Call what??? Then...she flat lined...and they rushed us out of there. The last thing I saw was them rolling her on her side to get her on the crash board. She was gone...I knew it.

I remember screaming...I hit the floor...and that's as much as I remember. I kept saying noooo. I want my mommy. I just wanted my mommy. Why GOD would he take her? I'm too young to have her leave me. We were becoming SO close. She was supposed to come visit us in Texas 10 days later. As I knelt on the hard and cold hospital floor right outside of the ICU, all I could do was cry. No. No. That wasn't crying, that was weeping with sheer and utter pain from the depth of my soul. I was surrounded by people...but I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want anyone telling me that "it was going to be ok." BULLSHIT! NO. It's not going to be ok. Eventually the doctor came in and begged me to tell him to stop. Stop what? They were still trying to bring her back because I failed to sign that damn paper. They broke a few ribs apparently and she obviously wasn't going to come back. I looked at him...and yelled at him to STOP!!

I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her now. I wanted to hold her hand and caress her hair and see her lifeless body laying there in the bed. What the HELL is wrong with me? So, me and Robert went in there. Wow. No more machines. No more alarms telling them that her heart rate was too fast, just silence. My mom was gone.

Here's the messed up part. After a little bit, everyone left. Yep. I was left alone at the hospital with my dead mom. I had to pick a funeral home to come and get her and had a little help with that, but then everyone seriously left me alone. I don't know how long people were there and I know they had to leave because what the hell else is there to do?? So, I sat in my moms room with her until the funeral home which turned into hours. I watched my mom turn blue, well, more grey, but it was weird. She turned really hard. I held her hand and caressed her hair. I told her over and over how much I love her.

They funeral home got there at some point. They made me leave the room as they got her all situated to be taken away, but I was reluctant. I don't know why, but I didn't want to leave her alone. It was a really weird feeling. I stood outside the door of the ICU for the last time as they "prepared" her, whatever that meant. It took what felt like forever. Then, the door opened and the black bad on the stretcher came out. This is it. I walked behind them as they approached a "back entrance" that I wasn't allowed in and awkwardly said "bye" for the last time. Now what? I had no car. I had no one. Talk about feeling completely and utterly alone. I sat, freezing, on the curb as the piece of shit van drove off with my mom.

I had some time before Adrienne got there. Oh, yea...that...my poor little sister didn't know she was gone yet. I waited. And waited. Rick and Brandon got there at some point as did my Aunt Donna. Conversation happened that I can't remember. Then I saw the shuttle. Shit. It's time for me to tell her that our mom is gone. I wanted to vomit. I went out to meet her and that smile on her face is something I will NEVER forget. She said, "I MADE IT!!" I think she could see the look in my eyes because all I had to do was shake my head "no" when she collapsed on the floor and sobbed. I was numb at this point. I had to be her rock, so I just crouched on the ground with her and held her as she screamed for our mommy.

Fast forward....Ashley came, Alex got there, funeral plans were made, stuff was done, clothes were picked out....all so much of a blur.

I miss her. God, I miss her. I miss her laugh, her voicemails, her love for me and my family. She loved her "babies."

She leaves me signs, but it's not enough. The ONLY thing, ONLY thing, getting me through this pain is that she isn't in any anymore. She doesn't have to hurt anymore and she can be with my dad.

I love you mom...